Well, it looks like he is happy. Both of them that is. And yet I’m stuck here. Nowhere to go with anyone. Brothers have someone, the parents are happy together, sister is engaged and very happy, another sister may have found her special partner, and my other sister is already over the dead ex and onto another one and is extremely happy. The only 2 that even want me, one is too much of a brother and is well… disgusting. And the other one is 1000 miles away. The first one I couldn’t just be happy. I had to be selfish. I couldn’t just be okay with weed so I lost someone that could hold me when I have an anxiety attack, who would literally fuck me when and where I wanted. And the other there is just no way I can keep on being okay with that fact that he has a girlfriend and doesn’t care but would completely freak out if she was to go and do the same thing… I’m alone. Not going anywhere with the job. And still not back in school. What the hell is wrong with me…? Why can’t I be happy with someone? When is it my turn to be the one that someone loves? Because at this point it seems like that will never happen for me…………….
Last night was pretty fun. Hanging out laughing, joking and flirting. I miss that, I really do. Do I like him? Eh, I don’t know yet. I slightly pretend to like football, which I think I do? I couldn’t have a discussion with you about it. I don’t know the lingo, the names, scores or any of that. I know I like it when they bend over. :D I like it when they get overly brutal. I mean, who wouldn’t. lol. The sex is great though! That’s not all there is though. Yeah I like sex… Ok love it! Not all I look for though. I don’t think he thinks of me as more than a friend with benefits. Is that all I think of him as? No? Maybe? I’m not sure yet. I know I used to like him… like a lot. My brother also told me though that he is the “forbiddence”. They have been friends for 8 years. If he makes me happy though, doesn’t that count? I like it when he smiles at me. :) The way he is so gentle. He’s eyes have always caught me off guard. The tenderness of his heart. <3 But maybe it’ll only be this. Only sexual. Am I ok with that? On the flip side, he’s in love with someone else. But she can’t give him what I can. Not from there. Does that mean I come out on top?
